If it seems like I’m picking on OMEGA, it’s because I am. If not me, who? And by God they’re making it easy. There I was about to eviscerate OMEGA’s new Seamaster Diver 300M 60 Years of James Bond – which I will get to in a moment – when I caught sight of the Canopus Gold version above. The headline pulls no punches, but I’m just getting warmed-up . . .

I mean, what the actual f*ck? Is that a meteorite face? No it’s not. It’s natural grey silicon, installed as “a nod to the sands of 007’s Caribbean hideaway.” I’ve not seen this titillating timepiece in the flesh, but the surface treatment reminds me of sand like a chocolate milkshake reminds me of beer.

In case you’re not up on your Fleming (Ian, not the penicillin guy), Bond’s creator used to drink copiously, smoke constantly and shag intermittently in Jamaica. His island retreat, GoldenEye, is the name of the first “bored with itself” Bond movie and, nowadays, a Caribbean resort. Booked out forever-and-a-day at $1,765 per night. BYOBG (Bring Your Own Bond Girl).

The dog’s breakfast known as the Canopus Gold James Bond watch costs as much as a 79-day stay at Goldeneye ($140k). Canopus converts get to wear an homage to the Jamaican flag via “a paving of green and yellow treated natural diamonds in 10 different tropical shades, which range from extra dark forest green to cognac, passing through olive, yellow, gold and gold/cognac.”

Not to mention a brace of white diamonds sparkling at the 12. HoDinkee loves it . . in their own special way. Here’s their take, filed under How To Compliment Something Hideous to Protect Luxury Junkets, New Watch Access and Advertising Revenue.

While it’s jarring to see the Diver 300m executed this way, it actually looks incredible. The sporty look of the crown and HEV paired with the precious metal and diamonds is a vibe unto itself. 

hodinkee.com

Jarring for sure. But I don’t think the word “incredible” means what HoDinkee wants it to mean. Speaking of vibes, I love a good steel band – especially when I’m sipping Appleton Estate 21 on the beach. I’m just not sure a stainless steel band is the right choice for a jewel-encrusted timepiece.

Oh wait. I am. It’s not. And there’s not enough rum in the world to make me think the rear of this – and the “standard” Seamaster Diver 300M 60 Years of James Bond – was a good idea.

And there it is, in action! An animated swirl surrounding a generic 007. (Caution: blink and you’ll miss it.) Da-Da-Da-DA!

As a hypnotist, I find it amusing OMEGA went for a moving hypno-wheel rather than the actual opening image of all 73 Bond movies. Hello? The POV eyehole doesn’t swirl. And it’s around Bond, not under him.

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate watchmakers putting “fun” into serious timepieces to lure buyers who don’t take anything seriously. If nothing else, quasi-hilarious horology brings big bucks.

TAG Heuer sold 25 Formula 1 X Mario Kart Limited Edition Chronograph Tourbillons at $25,600 a pop, banking $640k. And god knows how much more for umpteen turby-less chronos.

The Seamaster Diver 300M 60 Years of James Bond costs $7,600 – a full two grand more than a garden variety OMEGA Seamaster 300M. That’s quite a lift given that JB’s latest wristwear isn’t a limited edition, unlike OMEGA’s previous anniversary Bond watches.

I agree with the video guy: the 60th anniversary JB Seamaster is far better looking than OMEGA’s last washed-out 007 tribute. As a lumatic, I’m down with the combo of green (60 minute marker and the minute hand), blue (hour and seconds hand) and white luminous markers

Yes, well, the newcomer’s handsome face and Lite-Brite lume don’t obviate my aversion to exhibition caseback obstructions – especially when they cover movements as wondrous as OMEGA’s Co-axial Master Chronometer Calibre 8806 (above).

I don’t for a minute think this rant will stop anyone from buying an OMEGA Seamaster Diver 30M 60 Years of James Bond, whether it’s the “cut-rate” version or the “my husband adores colored diamonds” bejewelled bauble.

Nor should it. OMEGA makes a damn fine watch. (The Aqua Terra 41mm enjoys pride of place in my collection.) But am I the only one who wishes they’d make less special editions, and make the ones they do make less idiotic?